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Humor Column

Our humor columnist says to ditch ‘hot girl summer’ and follow these beach trip tips

Samantha Siegel | Contributing Illustrator

After finishing her finals, our humor columnist is ready for her summer "break," working three jobs to pay off her student loans. When she does get to relax and tan on the beach, she avoids sunburns with her SPF 150.

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I just turned in my last class’ final essay last night at 11:59 p.m., with tears in my eyes and a stomach full of Celsius. This can only mean one thing: The end of the semester! It’s officially summer break, and by “break,” I mean spending the summer working three jobs to pay off my student loans. I mean, who even has time to be burned out?

On my days off, though, there is one thing I’m looking forward to: Beach days. I love lounging around these man-made beauties, even though I’m slightly scared of tiny bugs that live in the sand (I’m from upstate New York, so there are no natural beaches, just lakes with factory sand around them). Anyways, there is nothing better than the sand between your toes, the wind in your hair and a toddler screaming because his mom is making him wear sunscreen (I mean, honestly, just buy the spray kind and sneak up on him. It’s not that hard).

If you’re also craving a beach day like I am, you’ve come to the right place. Put on your swimsuit and strap in because I have a bunch of do’s and don’ts to make your next beach trip the best one yet.

First, make sure you’re protected from the sun. I like to bring an entire wetsuit with me. You know, the kind surfers use during the winter in New England. Sure, I may not be embodying the “hot girl summer” look, but I know I’m not going to have any pesky sunburns on my shoulders! I also like to bring a bottle of SPF 150 that my dermatologist custom-ordered for me. Maybe I look like one of the Cullens from “Twilight” when I wear it, but, at the end of the day, it’ll all pay off.



PRO TIP FOR EXPERT BEACHERS: Do NOT go in the water and yell the words “shark,” “snake” or “I’m drowning.” Especially not that last one.

Moving on, I love to swim. I also love to make friends! So, combining the best of both worlds, I like to swim toward strangers and pop up out of the water when they’re not expecting me. I like to use the Hippo method of “eyes above water.” Then, when I’ve gotten them in my clutches, I hit them with a “I bet I can stay underwater longer than you.” This method only has about a 5.7% success rate, but when you find a cool person who will do it, it’s totally awesome. That’s how I found my boyfriend.

Speaking of water activities, I love to bring my surfboard. I mean, there are rarely waves at the lake, so I usually end up swimming out and sitting there, but I think I look pretty cool. It’s like “Soul Surfer,” but in the first half before all of the shark stuff happened. When I’m done with that, I often like to throw a frisbee around. I don’t really understand how the physics of frisbees work, and sometimes they end up in the lake or smacking into someone’s head, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to learn.

With these tips in hand, have an amazing summer! If you happen to be swimming and see me approaching you with just my eyes above the water, be sure to compliment me on my column. I do sign autographs with a waterproof pen.

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